kerfuffle

If it makes you happy, it can\\\'t be that bad

Sat, 02 Aug 2003 17:05:52 GMT

Twelve days. Oh my God. I'm so spazzing out now. Twelve days!!!

I can do this. *takes a deep breath* Oh, and I almost asked Mom to get the bus tickets for me to go to KL. But first, I need to know when to go, and I need to know where I will stay. All that kind of stuff.

I don't think it hurts to be prepared now that I don't have to my own place to stay while I'm in KL anymore. And no cash to spend on luxuries such as hotels.

But on a happier note, I seem to have at least one place to stay at at the end of the year. :D So maybe I can stick around in KL for some time then? Who knows.

---

Take care of family. Make them happy.

For some reason, that simple message just sounds so heartbreakingly sad.

Now I know why you always wanted these memories captured

Wed, 30 Jul 2003 19:44:36 GMT

I'm sick again. The few hours of relief didn't last. I never seem to be quite okay these days. My head must be telling me something but it's not being very clear about it. I need a freakin' translator now. The pain isn't making thinking an easy job.

*sigh* Well, hmm.

For the first time in my life, I looked back on the old, old photos and attempted to identify myself in each of them. I never enjoyed looking back at the old me because it reminds me of all that I've lost. All that happiness bubbling inside me, the confidence and innocence of childhood. And looking back, I can still almost remember my exact feeling when each snapshot was taken and carefully saved into the albums by Mom. What happened to that girl in the pictures? How did I end up so different from the old me?

The see-through plastic that held the photos together are now yellow and crackly, practically breaking apart at each touch. But the photos are still there.

And still clear.

Maybe there is a small, slim chance that I can go back to what I used to be... if I try hard enough. In some ways, I've already started a year ago. Now all I need to do is stay on, keep throwing away the parts of me that I don't like, that shouldn't have been a part of me. I just hope I have that kind of endurance and faith in myself. I need it now.

When reality and fantasy merged

Tue, 29 Jul 2003 16:22:55 GMT

The headache ended up as a fever. And it lasted for more than 12 hours, where in each and every moment I feel totally and completely miserable. *sigh* I didn't dare to tell my parents that I had a fever because they'd freak and drag me to the doctor's. They are convinced that fever is my "weak spot" when it comes to health. Meh.

While sick and drifting in and out of sleep, I had some pretty screwed up dreams too, one part of it where I died and yet I (my conscience/soul/spirit/whatever) was still trapped in my room and I could see all the things that was happening in my house. Weird because I don't even believe in souls and spirits or earthbound ghosts. Another part of it was about me obsessing over a guy. Um... right.

The rest of the day went by pretty slowly. Brother #2 went back to India today. :\ Goodbye Brother #2, goodbye phone! *sob*

On other news, I need to spend some time cleaning up my room soon. Dad has been nagging me about it everyday. And besides, I need to find something that I "lost". Gah. :(

Nobody gets too much heaven

Mon, 28 Jul 2003 16:07:43 GMT

Uh, I had meant to write, honest. But things happened. Like Blogathon. I managed to stay awake for the full 24 hours of blogging, from 9PM of the 26th till 9PM of the 27th. Yay. :D I posted 49 pictures at Fantasy Log, and we managed to raise $451 for Direct Relief. If I hadn't numbered my photos like I did with my Daily Grinds, I wouldn't be able to keep track either. Hehe.

I'm glad my layout was so well received because I wasn't at all sure it was good. I was so tempted to trash it 2 days before the event, but I really didn't have the inspiration or the time to make another one, and I did promise Daynah that I'd make one for the occasion. I still dislike it because it looks so unoriginal (even though it's not a spinoff from someone else's design, it just looks unprofessional), but oh well.

These days it's hard to concentrate when my head keeps pounding and pounding and squeezing the life out of my brain. It doesn't hurt as much as it distracts, and I can't gather up the facts long enough to make a coherent entry. The distraction hurts me. I can't get what I want to do done. Things were so different in college when I had a motive in each and every day. Now I feel as if I don't, and that I'm not going any closer to my goal.

It's probably because I feel lost, and it is my fault for not making any step towards my goal. Why is it that sometimes there are restrictions that keeps you waiting? Or perhaps I only imagined those restrictions.

I may go to KL sometime in the third week of August (10th-16th). I was planning on going on the 12th till the 14th and I've already talked to my parents about this (telling them that I have a place to stay there, of course, but I don't really know if I do or not yet!), but Joan was trying to convince me to go sometime during the weekend and stay the whole week. Like from the 8th till 14th. She even offered to let me stay at her home during that week.

Me: The whole week?! My parents will kill me!
Her: Who? My parents? No, they won't. They love you.
Me: No, my parents!

The only reason why they're letting me go there is because I have to get my 'A' Levels results. They tried to convince me to pick it up on the 15th when it's a Friday and they can send me down there themselves and pick me up to go back after I was done, but I told them I cannot wait that long! Argh. 24 hours can be a waiting hell.

On top of that, if they send me down, that means no time to spend with friends! :( I miss everyone there so much. It's so corny but KL (or Subang, whatever) motivated me so much more than anything in Terengganu. *sigh*

I can't wait till I get to go to university.

And I can't wait for August 14th. Every day I think about it, and I wish it closer. Three weeks is such a long wait! It may be my Death Day. It also may be the day where I will smile and celebrate. But whatever it is, it will give me a level to reach for my goals. At least something will be definite then. At least I know where to go by then, what choices to make. Now all I know is "if _______ happens, then I will _______; but if _______ happens, then I will _______".

All I'm doing now is reacting, and I hate that. I hate not being in control... so why is it that you feel less in control of your life as you grow up? Your education is in someone else's hands, then your job application is at someone else's hands, and then your income is at the mercy of your employer, and then your apartment and food depends on how much income you rake in... and the list goes on and on. And on top of that, you just don't have parents to fall back on anymore when you grow older.

I am not sleepy but I keep yawning... and I'll stop here because my head is killing me. Uh, what's the difference between a particularly bad headache and a migraine anyway? I haven't read any medical texts on it since everyone seems to assume just about everyone else knows what it is.

And I don't. Gah.

Don\\\'t tell me I\\\'m not

Wed, 23 Jul 2003 21:59:41 GMT

So tired.

I'm sorry I hadn't been updating, but I guess other projects kind of took over my time some. Other than being distracted by one million and one other things. But I've been all right. Just all right, yes.

I've talked about some upcoming trips, but they never happened. I didn't go to Genting Highlands or KL, and neither did I go to Singapore. Some stuff came up last minute. I'm disappointed.

But apparently we are going to Genting Highlands and KL this Friday. To pick up the handphone and stuff. The handphone that is going to Brother #2. Mom supposedly promised him a handphone, but since I won one, this is going to him instead. :\ I wish I can get a digicam in replacement of the handphone Mom promised him... I won a handphone, and everyone's benefiting except for me. And heck, I even got major scolding for joining the competition in the first place.

I dunno. I'm just so tired and disappointed, I guess. But I'm also numb enough to hand the rights to the handphone to my brother. I guess something is wrong with me. Or maybe I'm just cynical about life.

Dad is seriously considering to cancel the broadband internet connection, and I still feel numb. *sigh* But I know I will chalk up more if I use dail-up, and he'll scream at me for it. Broadband makes everyone happier since he doesn't need to pay so much, and yet I get 24/7 connection that I don't complain about.

I started painting again the other night, but I never finished the painting. *sigh* Well, I was kind of demotivated by Brother #2 about it.

Him: Why are you painting that?
Me: Why not?
Him: Can't you just save the image and then use Adobe Photoshop to make it look like a painting?
Me: *stares* Do you even know why I'm painting?
Him: Just to put it online, right?

Yes, it hurt a lot to be misunderstood. I was painting because I loved painting. I wanted to paint. I took joy in putting colours to paper and making things. To have him put it in the terms where he thinks I'm doing it just for show, it cut deep.

I thought he would understand me because he was once a painter too, and he took pride in it. Now I'm starting to wonder why he painted.

And yes, I cried. I held it in for a while, but when he left, the tears just started rolling. I can't help it... I feel like such a weakling sometimes, but I can't stand being misunderstood. It brings back too many memories of being alone against the world.

Memories I would rather just forget.

And now I'm so demotivated to paint, I just can't bring myself to finish that simple little painting. All because of a few measly words.

When on Earth am I going to start believing in myself and stop letting words of others affect me?

I got Tiffany's snail mail to me today (completely unexpected and much surprised), and it contained a gorgeous birthday card, in addition to lots more postcards. Heh. Yes, my birthday is almost one month ago. But still. ^_^ Okay, this is a really sad revelation, but this is the only birthday present I got this year (Mom did ask me if I want a plushie from the gift shop, but I didn't opt any...).

Well, other than the wonderful international birthday message compiled the Lele, which I'll treasure for a long, long time (I'm not saying "forever" lest my hard disk decides to kill itself just to prove me wrong).

I'm going to start a postcard collage on my bedroom wall as soon as I neaten up the room and throw away all the old broken things that I don't need anymore. ^_^ Anyone want to contribute to the postcard collage? Heh.

Lately with all of the weird news in Malaysia (rape and kidnap cases are what that triggers the worrying, I suppose), parents are getting increasingly paranoid with their kids. Oh yes, older brothers are increasingly paranoid too.

No one would let me get into elevators alone. And these are the same people who used to let me roam free alone in the big city.

R&B songs can get on my nerves so bad.

Did you ever think I needed you here with me?

Fri, 18 Jul 2003 19:23:50 GMT

Sometimes when you're mourning over a lost friendship, there is a great possibility that the other person is doing the same.

And sometimes you just have to be the one to take the first step to say, "Hi."

---

There is completely no reason for my family to go to Kuantan anymore. The gift shop is dead. Closed. Gone. All because the stupid administration of the mall decided that they wanted Ocean Pacific at the spot our shop was located at.

I feel sad. :\ After all, it is one of my and Brother #1's brainchild. I remember how fun it was when we planned it all out. I was... what, 15 years old?

I guess we didn't plan the ending and now I feel all numb.

Today's dinner was so cute. Mom relived her younger days... more specifically how Dad started courting her. Hehe. Unlike most people, I never actually knew much about my parents' lovelife before they got married. I never asked because I feel that it is personal.

Mom was a dancing queen! Literally, hehe, and I quote from Abba's hit, "dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen". And she was seventeen then, and it was when she was dancing at a party that Dad decided to court her. I find it all too coincidental not to make that comparison. ;)

They'll be celebrating their 25th (that's Silver, right?) wedding anniversary in November this year. ^_^ Mom didn't even realise she had been married for so long until I mentioned it.

Hehe. Maybe I should give Dad a little nudge... >:)

Up on one side, down the other

Fri, 18 Jul 2003 19:10:58 GMT

Lately I've had my ego boosted somewhat. I finally have faith in my writings again. And I sort of have faith in my arts again. I might actually *gasp* pick up the brush and start painting! Or *gasp* make a new layout!

I haven't talked a lot about either because I don't want to depress anyone with how I'm feeling about those two so-called "talents" of mine. To make a long story short, I've been feeling very untalented on both arenas, thinking that isuckisuckisuckisuckisuck so much that my esteem (whatever's left of it after severe beatings) took a nose-dive.

*sigh* I hope I can maintain this kind of optimism and hope for some time before my insecurities act up again. That's probably the only bad thing about knowing so many talented and capable people - they make you feel little and insignificant. It shouldn't matter, but meh, it does! :(

I looked through my paintings again, and nostalgia came over me. I think I want to paint again. Even though yes, I'm scared. I'm scared that I've lost everything I've tried to gain for so long. It took years of consistency to improve on skills, and just moments to lose them.

I guess I'll find out soon. As soon as I cleared up enough space in my room to paint, that is.

Friendshipwise, things have been a little on the screwy side. There is actually zero development in the Ee Lynn/me story, but lots of development in the Ee Lynn/Joan story. And now Ee Lynn is boycotting the almost-yearly clique gathering at the end of the year, making self-pitying remarks while she was doing it.

I don't know, I just don't have any more sympathy for her. I can't even summon up any just for appearance's sake. She overplayed the strings on the guitar, and now they're broken and tired and can no longer be played anymore.

But I did some thinking today and I'm irked now. I just realised a very disturbing pattern that could link this issue to that issue back when we were twelve years old.

This is exactly what she did to me when we were twelve, dammit. >_< She turned everyone against me when we had a fight. She's the reason why depression started for me - the straw that broke the camel's back, rather - and I'm still bitter because she never changed from that manipulative twelve-year-old girl I used to call a friend.

Forgiveness is hard to find in my heart when I think of it that way.

But at least now the others are smart enough to investigate before they believe everything she says.

Note to Self #1: Mom is a really good person to talk to if I ever have relationship problems.
Note to Self #2: As modern as I think Dad may be, he is also really against cohabiting.

Getting talented at this

Wed, 16 Jul 2003 15:32:07 GMT

Tired. Didn't even have dinner. I was too sleepy to have any "dinner"...

I lost one of my silver star earstuds today, the ones that came with the piercings (or the ones that the piercings came with... whichever way). I woke up and found the one on the right ear gone. *sigh* I panicked, took the one off my left ear and tried to stab a whole through my right ear again. It hurrrrrt.

One thing I hate about newly-pierced ears are the tendency for the holes to close up again at minimum time. -_-

Went to Kuantan, got some really cheap earstuds, and replaced my old ones. :\

I woke up today morning feeling like I've been steamrolled over. All of my limbs hurt like hell, and my muscles felt like they've turned to Jell-O. Only that Jell-O doesn't hurt as much. And once again my head hurt, just like yesterday morning. I keep waking up in the mornings with headaches. *sigh* I guess that's part of the reason why I purposely fuck up my sleeping routine... I never get headaches when I reverse my sleeping habits and become vampiric. Why? Is it a psychological thing?

More work. Less work compared to yesterday, yes, but still very tiring. Dismembered a lot of furnitures, carried a lot of glass panes, toted the power drill some more. I think I freaked out some of the other girls there with the ease I do such "rough" work... they think it looks cool, they try it out, have trouble with it, and I demonstrated it for them. And they still don't know how I do it.

I guess it's just because I grew up in a household full of guys and a family that try hard to save up cash in every way possible (and now our tertiary education is eating up the saved funds pretty fast) that we assembled or make our own furniture. We also became our own plumber, electrician, technician, etc.

Anyway, I didn't realise that it was that difficult to remove a frickin' carpet that's glued to the floor. Now all I want to do is sleep.

Oops. I just lost another earstud.

Argh!!!

I didn\\\'t know fainting could be like that

Mon, 14 Jul 2003 16:24:48 GMT

Hrms. In comparison to what I was when I just came back from college to now, I've lost 1kg. Weird. I thought I would gain from all the good ol' homecooked food, but at the rate things are going, that's unlikely. Brother #2 apparently ate my share of lunch today because I was a little late at getting to it. :(

So mainly I've been living off a liquid-only diet for breakfast and lunch. Usually a mug of cocoa in the morning, and perhaps another in the afternoon. Or Coke. And lately I've been skipping dinner a lot because I'm too tired by the time dinnertime rolls around to do anything other than shutting down my brain.

Bleah. Remind me that drinking Coke on an empty stomach is a bad, bad, bad idea. :(

And guess what? I'm drinking Diet Coke. Ick. I swore that I'd never touch these things ever again, but I don't have much of a choice when everything in my house is now "Diet". If you didn't know yet, my family (more precisely Dad, but you know, these stuff is hereditory) has a history of diabetes, so that's an attempt to lower the overall blood sugar level. It's also so that Dad doesn't get it into his mind to buy any other carbonated drinks... he has a sweet tooth.

I hate Diet Coke. Ughy. Now I can't get rid of the aftertaste already.

While you're reminding me about not to drink Diet Coke ever again, you might as well remind me never to slam my thumb between two very hard, very solid objects because it hurts like hell! I was helping out in the kitchen when I accidentally did that... the thumb didn't really hurt very much and it wasn't the worst injury I've ever gotten, but moments later my vision started having white spots that grew bigger and bigger, even as the pain in my thumb subsided.

Soon things were fading in and out, in and out. I sat down and stoned. Pressure built up in the ears and shut out the voices of Brother #2 and Mom.

"I feel like my pupils are dilating and everything is turning white," I found myself saying, sounding terribly far away for someone who is supposed to be... well, you know, me.

"Wow. That fast?" Brother #2 said, his voice about a million miles away too.

I was so angry then. I was panicking about losing my sight entirely, and going partially deaf, and there he was cracking jokes like it was nothing big. The white spots were obscuring almost everything by now. Worse than that, they were throbbing... swelling and shrinking, swelling and shrinking, and yet perpertually blanking out a large percentage of my vision. I felt like a whole tube of living radioactive liquid paper/blanko just got spilt into my world.

When dinner was served and everyone sat down, I stood up and excused myself.

"Aren't you eating?" Dad asked. I had skipped dinner a lot lately, and I guess he was wondering what's wrong with me.

"She's going to faint," Mom and Brother #2 said in unison.

In all the whiteness I managed to find my way back to the staircase, crawled my way up on all fours because I was so afraid of falling down and hurting myself due to my partially temporary blindness. I got into my room and plopped down on the bed. Closed my eyes until I felt the pressure in my ears ebbing.

When I opened my eyes again, the whiteness was fading away.

Fifteen minutes later, I went to the dinner table and had my dinner. During when Brother #2 told me that he is kidnapping me to Kuantan tomorrow to help him move the stuff out of the gift shop there... in case you don't know yet, we're shutting down that place. The bitch of a landlord wants it back. *sigh* So now we have to move everything back, repaint that place, and all that.

On another note, lots of trips coming up! Hehe. I'm going to Genting Highlands and KL this Friday, and probably heading to Singapore on either Tuesday or Wednesday next week. ^_^ I can't wait! I'll be travelling and seeing new sights and stuff like that. And that means I might just be able to do my 26 Things photolog. Heh. :)

Yes, I am tired of being cooped up in the house. Partially my fault too since I never want to go out of the house, but I have the tendency to do that when I'm in Kemaman. The town just suffocates me. :(

I wish I'm back in college.

My sister is a cat

Sun, 13 Jul 2003 01:52:36 GMT

I spent a lot of time working on a project and hacking a PHP script (without manuals), and I'm thoroughly happy with the result. Considering that I don't know the first thing about PHP, it was a great achievement.

I'm whacked. I may update you on that "project" later, when I launch it. Someday. Soon, I hope.

Mi hermana es una gata.

There you go. The Spanish lesson for today, brought to you by Brother #3 (he's been trying to put the proper words in place for the past few days, though he kept thinking it was "mis hermana es gato"). He thinks I act like a cat, yawn like a cat, stretch like a cat, and scratch like a cat.

Go figure.

It'll Only Happen Here #2: At 4:00pm, my father asked me, "Aren't you going to sleep?"

What a big mistake

Sun, 13 Jul 2003 00:36:25 GMT

Did you, like me, mistakenly believe that my nightmare with my next door neighbour is over when college ended?

That's right - it was a wrong assumption. She called me yesterday night, asking if I was going to be in Kuantan today. I said I didn't know. She pressed on and asked, "Aren't you always in Kuantan on Fridays?"

"No..." I answered. "My parents might be going to KL tomorrow."

"Come la..."

"I can't confirm."

After about ten more minutes of arguments like the above and me getting increasingly frustrated, I finally convinced her that I'll be sure to call her if I'm at Kuantan. But apparently that was not enough, because at 10AM today she called again to ask if I'm going. By now I'm so frustrated and freaked out I that started repeating what I said yesterday night.

She started suggesting that I drive down. But upon knowing that I have yet to obtain my driver's license, she started pestering me to get my brother to drive me down. I said no, my brother is too busy with his girlfriend. She asked where does his girlfriend live, in Kuantan?

Gosh, what's her problem? Does she ever quit?

In the end, I told my parents that I'm not going to Kuantan, worked on some site for a while, and then fell fast asleep at 5ish or so.

Oh yes. Exciting news of the day is that around noonish, a call came through my cellphone (thank goodness I did not change my number!). It was a strange number from KL, so I assumed it was Joan.

Apparently it wasn't, since I was greeted by an unfamiliar voice that asked to speak to "Lee Pei Vern". She proceeded to ask me if I joined the Shanghai Knights SMS competition. That competition was so long ago (back in Chinese New Year, which was... oh, February?) that I completely forgot that I ever entered such a thing until she mentioned it. Actually, I preferred to forget about it because it was one of the things that has costed a tirade of yellings from Dad, who was pissed off at how much my phone bill costed that month. I didn't tell him why since he would think I was stupid for even joining such competitions, which he regards as a waste of time and money. I thought I've committed a huge mistake to even join that stupid competition, regretted it wholeheartedly, swore I'll never join any SMS competition ever again, and proceeded to try to erase the whole incident from my brain.

But since she reminded me, I was like, "Uh, yes?" while totally expecting her to tell me that I won some consolation prize like a bumper sticker or a T-shirt. Hm, well, I was kind of used to that kind of stuff. What's so great about a T-shirt anyway? I had that ho-hum-I'm-bored kind of tone to my voice by then. I did not like being reminded of a bad incident.

And then she said: "Congratulations. You have won yourself a Motorola C-[insert some number that I don't remember] handphone."

It didn't register to my head until several seconds later.

Well. I didn't scream. I was calmly half-listening to what she was saying, jotting down the instructions to where I was supposed to pick up the prize. And when I hung up, my brain went, "Oh. My. F'ing. God. What on Earth just happened?"

Not out loud, of course, since my brain lacked vocal chords.

Oh my f'ing god, indeed.

It'll Only Happen Here #1: My dinner, which I ate at minutes after midnight (actually, am eating now), was labelled with a yellow Post-It that said, "Food for the Undead".

Oh yes, she's a great pretender

Wed, 09 Jul 2003 21:51:47 GMT

I've been feeling awfully bitey. I'm not sure if it's the lack of sleep talking, or the person deserved it, or it's just me. I'm starting to sound like those who I used to regard as "jerks". :( I don't like it, but somehow or other I feel as if it were justified... you know how is it to finally tire of lies, of acting, of always saying the "right" things because you're too scared or too freaked to tell the truth?

That's me. I don't know how I come to this stage, but I seem to have landed here overnight. Suddenly things are clearer, and suddenly I just want it all to end. All the lies, the pretending. Perhaps that is what all much-too-honest-for-their-own-good "jerks" learnt. Lying never did anyone good. The hard, brutal truth.

It'll probably not gain me any friends, but eh. :\ What's the use of fake friends?

Okay, so maybe - just maybe - I'm not the best candidate in biting. I probably don't know as much as some people do, and I suppose that gives me lesser rights to start it. But living in the world we are in now, not many people are willing to start a confrontation... the outcome is too unsure. Yeah, everyone wants a stable life. No one wants that kind of unpredictability - it makes us nervous, jittery.

I'm not trying to be a hero (or heroine) who is bent on making everyone tell the truth. I'm just a girl who is sick and tired of the lack of it and want no more part in this play. It's too tiring. Too, too tiring.

Do you ever think your existence was a mistake?

Tue, 08 Jul 2003 10:40:41 GMT

You know that gut feeling when something is wrong? I have a gut feeling that I am wrong. My nose is wrong, my face is wrong, my voice is wrong, my life is wrong. Even the breakfast cereal I had was wrong. And sometimes I wonder what happened to make me feel that way...

I've always thought that someday I could achieve that moment where I will finally be free of how others affect me. How people's moods won't make my own fluctuate. I dream of it.

But I should've realised it's just a dream.

When I was younger and had problems with some stuff happening in real life, I seeked refuge in the online world. It was my escape, a place where I can chart my own course and my own life and pick my own friends from the whole world. There are no limits to what I can do, the people I can meet and be friends with.

And then five years down the road, I started having problems online. And so I took a break from the webby world, put more time in the offline world. And I was happy. And eventually everything stabilised again.

So you see, for so long I've always had a place to escape to for solace. There had always been a place, so I could never completely lose control and fall into a black abyss.

But what do you do when you don't fit anywhere online and you don't fit anywhere offline either? What do you do when all you feel is wrong?

Nice. Orange.

Thu, 19 Jun 2003 10:03:14 GMT

kerfuffle
Magic Number	18
Job	Despot
Personality	Slacker
Temperament	Pussy Cat
Sexual	Just Say No
Likely To Win	The Respect Of My Colleagues
Me - In A Word	Genius
Colour
Brought to you by MemeJack

Just to live one day in their shoes

Mon, 09 Jun 2003 05:34:22 GMT

Reasons why I shouldn't have opted for 'A' Levels:

It's supposedly super-tough, tougher than most pre-u programmes save for STPM.

It takes 18 months, a whole lot longer than most pre-u programmes save for STPM.

It depends entirely on exams, and if you happen to be sick on exam day, then too bad.

Assignments don't count.

Reasons why I opted for 'A' Levels:

It's supposedly super-tough, which is a pretty good challege and I like challenges.

It takes 18 months, which gives me some extra time to think about what I want to do.

It depends entirely on exams, which I think I do okay in most of the times.

Assignments don't count.

Gee. Now one wonders why I'm indecisive.

From experience, I've learnt that I'm not meant to enroll into courses that require assessment from the teacher or lecturer. I never finish my assignment unless it's a group assignment and I'm guilt-tripped into finishing it, and even when I finish it I'll never end up handing it in unless someone else does. This I've learnt from my PEKA assignments in secondary school. I've never handed in any of mine, and it's 20% of all Science subjects.

So it's no big wonder that I got B's for my Sciences in secondary school.

Secondly, teachers and lecturers in general do not like me. Maybe they just have a really bad first impression of me. After all, I don't look like someone who is serious about studying, what's with the stoned look in classrooms half the time. I don't think they know that the stoned look is just a "look" and I'm actually listening. So naturally, teachers and lecturers don't like students who don't listen (or don't seem to be listening, in my case) to what they're saying.

On top of that, I'm something of a rebel. I do things differently from the average student just to experiment on it, and I toe the line to see how much I can get away with before someone explodes at me. I have the tendancy to only speak up when I want to argue, or perhaps create a whole out-and-out debate. And authority figures usually don't like people who talk back to them, who question their judgement or their points. I do not get along well with authority figures for this simple reason. And teachers and lecturers are authority figures. Thus I don't think anyone who had ever taught me, had me in their lessons, or attempted to guide me will think of me fondly. It's more likely they'll think that I'm this evil girl who went out of her way to make their lives difficult. I don't talk to my lecturers more than necessary as to avoid provoking them and making them more annoyed than they already are.

Giving out credit points in assignments is a rather complicated little dance, and in most cases biasness will be involved. Favouritism. Stuff like that. And no doubt about it, I'll end up somewhere at the bottom of this particular food-chain. I know a lot of my secondary school teachers either hated me or just plain ignored me. They think I have potential but that I'm going nowhere. I'm a waste, in short. It was that bad.

Examinations, on the other hand, is a cold, calculative, and unbiased form of measuring how well a person is doing in a particular course. The examiners have no idea what I am like, what my characteristics are, how I interact with people. Or how irritating I can be.

So you can see why I would want to wait till August for my real results before applying for university next year instead of depending on my forecast results, like everybody else. Because I don't think I have a very pretty forecast. Forecasts are, after all, drawn up by the respective lecturers, and I know a lot of them don't have much faith in me. Look at how I did in my SPM forecast. The real thing was so much better (even though it wasn't wonderfully great either).

I'm not proud of this little quality of mine. Many a time I've wished that I could be less annoying, less sarcastic, less eager to bite. I wanted to be sweeter and more... accepted, maybe. I mingle around all these sweet people who are everything I'm not and more, and I wonder, where did I go wrong? Why can't I be like them?

I know that sometimes because of all those traits make me seem interesting to people. I'm odd... and would've been an outcast if I have not somehow or other, with a tremendous amount of luck, landed in my class where my oddities are overlooked, considered somewhat like the norm.

I don't know. All I know is that being me, I'm not winning any friends. Not many people see past that facade I put up. Not many people sense that I'm just this ordinary girl, lonely and sad and thinks that she has no friends because she's not worth anyone's time and just wishing for some kind of acceptance. Only that all of it is buried beneath piles and piles of faces that are meant to conceal those emotions because the pride just won't have it shown. Pride... and the incessant fear of vulnerability.

My personality has just become a handicap that I must live with.

Bad days gone

Tue, 03 Jun 2003 11:33:07 GMT

Woohoo! Today's paper went surprisingly fantasmically! :D :D :D I'm over-the-moon kind of happy right now. Even though this paper, Mathematics Paper 4 (Mechanics), will only make up 20% of the final 'A' Level grade, it still feels great (aka serious ego boost) to know that you did well in at least one paper.

But I still can't believe I almost forgot Pythagoras' Theorem. Until... oh, 1 minute before the paper ends, when an act of desperation made me draw out a triangle of forces. I was wondering how was I supposed to find the magnitude of perpendicular forces. O.o Doh. Stupid Pei.

But acts of desperation seems like a good way to do things now. Especially for things that are supposed to be bloody easy and you don't know what you're supposed to do.

I guess I should stop laughing about people with Grade 8 qualification in piano forgetting which key the middle C is. :P Even though, yes, it's still impossible to forget that.

Okay, I actually did have another paper in the morning, before Mechanics. A2 Chemistry practical. :( It wasn't really difficult, and the assessment of planning skills was easy (when you start thinking about the complicated way of doing things, which I wasted fifteen minutes on). The things they gave us for titration, on the other hand, was kind of... weird. I think my accuracy went out of the window. My value is so much different from the others.

*sigh* Blah. I guess I've already long since concluded that I suck in Chemistry.

I slept so much yesterday! I guess I must've been really tired, because I slept from 8PM till 7AM (waking up occasionally through the night, but went back to sleep). That's 11 hours. O.o!!!

5 more papers to go! Hehe, it feels like this month is passing too fast. I think I'm going to miss having exams.

I feel like such a geek.

Wrap 'em up and take 'em with you

Tue, 03 Jun 2003 09:34:21 GMT

I think I'm killing myself. I feel like death right now. Something along the lines of "I'm about to collapse" kind of death, not the "I'm so depressed" kind of death.

When was the last time I slept? I don't remember anymore...

Lee Lian was sleeping over at my place, like I said in yesterday's entry. So I gave up the bed, since without the bed, I probably wouldn't be tempted to curl up in bed and sleep and conveniently "forget" to study.

I studied until 7AM, and then tried to get an hour of sleep before the paper. I shouldn't sleep one hour because I would end up feeling more tired than before. But I was feeling sick, so I figured that maybe an hour of shut-eye could somehow or other "cure" my ailment.

Didn't work. I didn't really get to nap, so I went to college for the exam anyway.

Lee Lian was supposed to be keeping me awake through the night, but she fell asleep sometime around 2AM. Heh.

While she was awake though, I showed her a couple of things from my college life. Like the yearbook. And various stories about my classmates.

And today she actually got to meet most of them. After the papers, the group (Wei Chen, Alex, Kenneth, Teow Wee, Ming Chuan, Wen Jun, and Say Ling) went for lunch. I said that I'd meet them later, so I went back to the room first to check up on Lee Lian. Then we went to lunch with my classmates.

We plopped smack right at the head of the table. Well, rather, I did. There was only two empty spaces, one at the "head" of the table, and the other at a corner far inside. To get to the corner required far too much squeezing past chairs and maneuvering food- and drinks-laden tables. And anyway, I'm not exactly the type that hide out in the corner.

Eek. Maybe I'm some kind of exhibitionist. :X

Introductions, and then lots of chatter. The moment I joined them, Wei Chen got up and left, which I found kind of odd... did I do something?

After lunch, Lee Lian and I started walking back, but it was so hot that I suggested we drop by a bookstore at Subang Square. After looking through the racks and racks of books for around 15 minutes, Evelyn called me up and asked if I wanted to join her and another friend at Bizzario.

We went, and there Lee Lian got to meet the rather hyperactive girl who is constantly mentioned in these entries. And sometime during then, I left Evelyn something to remember me by. Eep. :( I should learn to keep my nails to myself!

Nails != claws

Went back to the room to roast for one hour. Then we listened to music, blasted it on the computer speakers (which is no longer plugged to the computer because of the horrible sound card). Wei Chen came over to talk over some stuff.

Hey, this means Lee Lian has met more than 1/3 of my class already! Not bad for a one-day thing. :P

After seeing Lee Lian off, I went to the library to return a book, and proceeded to get online for a while. But I guess I can't really stand it anymore, so when the computer crashed, I just went on my way. Was supposed to grab dinner on the way home, but I finally decided that I cannot wait, so I went straight back.

Wei Chen saw me while I was trudging up to my room, and she was really worried about how I look and how I was acting. Basically looking exactly like how I felt. Am feeling.

Death.

I didn't even feel like playing guessing games with mooncrap or even to argue with someone else.

Anyway, I feel so tired now, I think I shall go and hibernate. And eventually wake up (reluctantly, I'm sure) to study for tomorrow's paper.

Today's paper? Easier than expected. But still, I can't guarantee that A...

Take a little time to tell me why you threw it all away

Tue, 03 Jun 2003 09:31:38 GMT

I hate it when people make something that I had worked hard to polish for the past six years sound like it is so simple that I can summarise into one lesson to "teach" to them. I mean, I did not just spend one-third of my life to learn to do something that people can learn in one day. Are they expecting that I can guide them through those six years? Some things are things that you have to learn yourself. To learn through experience and practice.

Some things are things that people can only kickstart you in, and after that, you're on your own. Because when people ask me, "How did you do that?" I can only say, "Through time".

There is just no other way to express it, and it is the best advice.

And people frown. They think I'm kidding, that I'm selfish enough not to share my knowledge. And I don't know what to say. I help them out, kickstart them, and then they cling on as if I am their lifeline. Which is just as bad, because they will reach a point where they don't learn anything anymore from me and permanently depend on me to do those things. Those little things that they could've learnt if they had actually spent time learning it themselves.

I guess not everyone's mom practice dumping them in a whole new environment and leaving them alone to fend for themselves. Because guess what? I just found out that it's the best way to make someone learn something instead of coddling them. The instinct of a person to survive makes them learn.

I don't want to be selfish, but I also don't want people to depend too much on me. I'm not dependable... and I'm scared of the day when I get frightened of all these sudden, unwanted pressure placed upon me that I bolt.

I'm afraid that once I start, I may never stop running.

I was doing some Physics studying in the afternoon. And then my phone rang. And then Lee Lian was talking to me on the phone, asking me if I wanted to go out and meet them.

At Midvalley Megamall.

For a movie.

For Matrix Reloaded.

How could I say no to Keanu Reeves?

Well, obviously I could not, so the next thing I know is that I was on the bus heading towards Megamall. It was a pretty quick ride, around half an hour. Luckily enough, I did not love my way while making it from the highway to the mall. The last time I tried using a new way to reach the mall (I was meeting Sookie and Tiffany then), I got totally, completely, utterly lost in the parking lot.

I hate parking lots. >:O

Met up with Lee Lian and Benjy (hey, I still don't know how to spell his name!) at All Stars Cafe, sat around and talked for a while. Ee Lynn was off meeting with some guy. I didn't really care where she was. I was a little surprised at how childish I've acted though, how I was acting. Apparently I hadn't quite completely forgiven her for last Sunday.

In a perfect world with a perfect Pei acting in my place, I would've been big enough of a person to forget about it. Unfortunately it's not a perfect world and I'm not a perfect girl, and I don't give a shit about being a big enough person for a girl like that. If it had been Joan, yeah, I would've forgiven her long ago. If it had been Lee Lian, or Li Chin, I would have too.

It's not the first time a friend failed to meet with me. I know I have my faults too, and I have done that before.

But for Ee Lynn, it was the last chance I was giving her, and she ruined it. So much for friendship. I really don't care anymore. I'm not about to play nice and be trampled in the process.

At least the girl knows that I'm pissed at her. She told Lee Lian so. I guess my hint-dropping skills aren't as bad as I thought they are.

Somewhere at the end of it, Ee Lynn called my phone. She was supposed to call Lee Lian, but my guess is that she called my phone because it's cheaper to call me. Typical her. I didn't waste time being friendly. When I answer the phone with a short, "Yes?" or "What?", it means that I don't want to talk to you. It's that simple.

I was curt and cold. Basically I sounded like, "Yeah, whatever."

At least I resisted the temptation to be rude.

She said she was at Coffee Bean, and when I suggested that she walk over to All Stars, but she said she was having something. I snapped back, "Well, Lee Lian and Benjy are having something too."

"Huh?"

"Forget it," I muttered, rolling my eyes even though she couldn't see me.

"What?"

If she did that "confused" thing again, I was going to scream. I snapped at her, "Whatever. We'll go and find you." Without waiting for a reply, I hung up.

Lee Lian said I sounded really pissed. Well, Ee Lynn will just have to deal with a really cranky Pei Vern if she insists on calling my phone. It's not my problem. Even if I'm not really all that angry anymore, I'm not going to just let this go.

When we walked over to Coffee Bean, we found her and her friend at a corner. Lee Lian made her way to find them, to ask if they want to watch the movie. We were going to buy the tickets. The moment I spotted Ee Lynn, I spun around and walked out of the cafe. Waited outside.

And I wondered why it was taking Lee Lian so long to ask one question.

And then I found out that it was because Ee Lynn practically ignored Lee Lian and kept talking to the guy she was meeting with. Instead, the guy (who did not know Lee Lian at all) talked to Lee Lian more than Ee Lynn did.

Great friend. You gotta love Ee Lynn.

Given my temper, I wouldn't have treated Ee Lynn so patiently. So I guess Ee Lynn has to thank her lucky stars that Lee Lian is a lot calmer and nicer and more forgiving than I am.

The three of us left the two there and went to get tickets. And almost everything was sold out. Our second option was Finding Nemo, and that was sold out too! Erk. But the very next screening for Matrix Reloaded at 6PM (it was 5:53PM by the time we reached the ticket counter) had some empty seats. So we ended up with... front row seats? Serious neck-ache!

I called Ee Lynn and told her to get her ass up there as soon as possible because the movie was in 5 minutes. Then I went over to the popcorn counter.

Popcorn! :D

Benjy and I went in to find the seats first while the other two went to the washroom. And when the other two came along, Ee Lynn plopped down right beside me and started chattering away. Gee, did she think we're best buddies now or something?

It's annoying to hear someone talking to you in the middle of the movie when you're trying to concentrate on what's happening on the screen. I ignored her most of the time.

The movie was pretty good. Other than the fact that I found the major chunk of it was pointless. I mean, everything that happened in the first movie had a point somewhere (the computer hacker thing, the kidnap, the pills, the mission, etc etc etc), but there's only so much that you can emphasise on the agents chasing the good guys everywhere, you know? And there's also only so many times Neo can say, "I need you" to Trinity before "aww" turns into "*puke*".

Seriously. They need to cut down on that because sweet can get sickening when overdone. And the movie was definitely overdoing it. And why does Trinity look so old in this movie?!

The only part that I thought had a point (note: SPOILER ALERT!) was near the end where Neo talked with the Architect and he found out that the Chosen One wasn't supposed to so what he thought he was supposed to do and yada yada. And one word I keep hearing throughout the movie was "Choice". That's probably what the movie's trying to tell us, but then again, it doesn't focus on that either other than the meeting with the Oracle and the Architect.

Um, right. I'm disappointed at how the whole thing turned out, even though it did have some good parts. I guess I prefer it when the movie I'm seeing has a point other than being the whole chase-hide-chase-massacre scene. The lack of the ending came as a huge surprise even though I know that these movies don't really have an ending. But at least it's supposed to have some sort of a closure. How else can it be an ending to a chapter then?

So I didn't really think it was super-great (maybe I just didn't "get it", who knows), other than swooning over Keanu Reeves in action, thinking that the whole car-chase scene was super-cool, seeing the great computer-added effects, and I remember really liking Neo's outfit. That black coat thingy. Woohoo. Oh, and I liked this:

Morpheus: Where's Neo?
Link: Oh, he's doing the superman thing.

Teehee!

And yes, I missed the part on Keanu Reeves's butt. Malaysia decided to cut out all kissing scenes, so I guess the butt thing didn't sit well with them at all (no pun intented).

The movie director(s) aren't trying to make the movie deep. They're just trying to sell the movie with the fighting scenes to appeal to the males and the romance scenes to appeal to the females. That's why a major portion of the movie was dedicated to extended fighting scenes that could've ended earlier, and love scenes that could've been skipped.

And I find that pretty sickening too.

*sigh* Time to watch something kiddie like Finding Nemo. Then maybe I wouldn't be over criticising it because I won't be expecting too much from a movie.

After the movie, we left. I had wanted to catch the bus back to college because I felt really uncomfortable bumming a ride from Benjy's uncle when I don't know Benjy that well anyway. But Benjy insisted, and I guess he didn't want Lee Lian to be taking the public transport that late (it was around 8ish in the evening already, and it was getting pretty dark). And I couldn't exactly take travel alone when Lee Lian was supposed to be sleeping over at my place!

So we quit arguing and squeezed into the car. Before that I had gotten Ultimate Mocha from Coffee Bean because I figured that I'd better stay up the whole night tonight to study for tomorrow's Physics 2 and 6. Okay, people had been laughing and saying that mocha isn't going to help, I need espresso. But guess what? I can't even tolerate mocha already. So espresso will kill me.

Ew. Bitter bitter. How do people stand drinking coffee everyday anyway?

>_<

You gotta come on and rescue me

Mon, 02 Jun 2003 09:16:17 GMT

You know the world's fucked when you find parents abusing their kids and causing them to run away from home. You know the world's pretty screwed too when parents start threatening their kids and kicking them out of the house.

It's even more screwed up when the reason wasn't even valid for those drastic measures. Because 10:30PM is not "too late" to come home, especially when the kid is 18, 19 years old.

Hell, these are clean-cut kids we're talking about, people who don't even take drugs or smoke cigarrettes let alone pot or come home totally wasted at 4AM in the morning or get involved in gangsterism. And yet the parents are freaking out and doing what they're not supposed to do. They are, in a sense, breaking the trust the children have in their own parents. It's one thing to discipline the children. It's another to beat the crap out of them over stupid reasons.

Parents are supposed to be the people who you can run to whenever you're in trouble. They're the guardians of your home, and they are supposed to be the providers of that safety net (nest?) that catches you when you fall. I've been told by my parents that if anything happens, I can always go back home and they will be there for me, giving me their full support. Yet repeatedly I see and hear about cases in which that the kids can actually trust strangers more then their own parents.

There's something seriously wrong with this world.

Okay, it's not to say that I've never heard of this before. And I know it happens. But I've been hoping that it's happening to a small group, a small group that will eventually disappear or come to the realisation that this is not the way to deal with things. This time it's hitting me hard because it's happening to people I know personally, people who are my friends. People whom I can put a face and a name to, people whom I talk to.

I guess by now I kind of realised that it's not anywhere as near a "small group" as I thought it was. I was just born lucky.

And since we're on the subject, there's something wrong with the majority of the younger generation too. The desperation is there among the 14-year-olds, 15-year-olds. The desperation to fit in, to be accepted. And for that, they would do anything. Beg, plead, kiss people's butts. And when they do not gain the acceptance that they yearn for, they turn it into a huge drama.

It's starting to look awfully like a pathetic little world.

GRAWR!

Fri, 23 May 2003 08:37:25 GMT

One of my most crippling pet peeves is when people don't finish what they started. Crippling because it gets me in bad terms with everyone who ends up thinking I'm this evil bitch.

Who am I to talk, right? I usually don't finish what I start anyway, but only if it doesn't involve other people. I'm lazy, but I'm not inconsiderate.

So I hate it when people don't finish what they start, and they don't tell me so beforehand.

It pisses me off like nobody's business.

When I first got online, my mood-o-meter was something like this: +++++

Right now, it is more like this: -----

I guess should start avoiding the Internet. It makes me angsty and depressed.

Here we are now, entertain us

Fri, 23 May 2003 08:05:27 GMT

First week of exams done! Yay! That's 9 papers down and 13 more to go. I guess I'm really going to survive this after all.

I don't have to tell you that I've been doubting whether I'll live or die before exams are over. Because looking at my crammed schedule, I had been feeling a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach.

Yesterday:

mooncrap: Would you date a married man?
Me: Um... no.
mooncrap: Why?
Me: Because it's ethically unwrong. I mean, wrong.
mooncrap: Unwrong?! *laughs* Why wrong?
Me: Because he's committed and he should be acting committed?
mooncrap: True.
Me: Why do you ask?
mooncrap: Nah, it's cause someone told me that someone told him that younger girls like to date married men. So I thought I'd get your view on that.
Me: Younger girls like to date married men? What?!

So yes. What's this about younger girls liking to date married men? I know that some girls like to date older men, but married men?

I don't see the connection. All it means is that if he can cheat on his wife, he'll probably cheats on you too with some other girls, so I don't see the attraction to getting your heart broken into little bits and pieces that way.

Physics 3 was pretty okay today. We were quarantined before the exam in the uber-cold multi-purpose hall, and there everyone was kidding around and stuff, even though half of them are probably classmates whom I don't really hang out with, I had some fun. But anyway, who do I really hang out with anyway? Other than Evelyn and Li Leng? And the guys whom I got to know better all because of Chemistry remedial and the numerous lunches with the whole gang?

As for the experiment, it was kind of... well, easy? And I actually managed to finish up the whole experiment? I don't know what I am going to be getting for it though... *sigh* I can never be sure anymore. :\

And beware, Physics tend to turn the brain (or whatever's left of it) into mush. As I was going to say "significant others" (as in trying to get the guys to take their dates to the prom), I almost said "significant figures". Gah!

Speaking of prom, I tagged along with the gang to Bangsar and Midvalley Megamall today (after Physics 3) because the girls were going prom dress-shopping and the guys wanted to check some stuff out (also prom-related). It was originally planned as a really small outing with Evelyn and Li Leng and Alex, and it ended up that nine people went. Five guys and four girls. There were supposed to be more too!

O.o!!!

It was great. Everyone really let loose and stuff because we have at least a four-day break coming up. I got ahold of Teow Wee's digicam (Canon IXUS! Hehe, Lee Lian would swoon!) because I didn't get the chance to go back to my room after the exam to get my webcam, and he said I should hold on to it for the rest of the day. So I started snapping away like crazy. I really mean that, you know, because everyone thought I was crazy too. Never let a digital camera reach my hand. I am certified, off the wall, possibly dangerous. ;)

But he wouldn't let me take it home with me because he said it is his "precious". >:O

Anyway, there were a lot of pretty dresses. It would be fun to go to the prom and see everyone all dressed up in formal attire, only that I'm not going. People keep asking me why though, and I gave them the only answer they could relate to - that I can't afford it.

But cash is probably the least of my worries. It's more of the fact that I don't think I'm going to enjoy it. I'm okay with my classmates when we're all hanging out and stuff, and most of the times I'll be busy bursting out laughing or making the jokes. Not at all ladylike. And I'll probably just die if I have to go to a formal and be formal.

So yeah. That's my main reason for missing out on this, and as lame as I might be, I prefer to do things only if I really want to.

Oh yeah. We had sushi for lunch! :D Absolutely delicious. And we did foodart! Teehee. Evelyn and I were crazy. She's nuts about foodart now too. Oh dear, where is the world coming to? :P

I messed around with my hair today. I hadn't realise how long it had gotten since I last got it cut, which was... I'm not really sure when. So I just wanted to see how long it reaches at the back. Took a couple of cam shots - no, I'm not going to put them up - and it's pretty long. For me, that is. I used to be the bobbed-cut look kind of girl, and I think the only reason why it reached this length is because I'm away at college and therefore Mom doesn't have the chance to shear it off. It was a childhood dream to grow my hair long, heh. Mom never wanted me to, but hey, it's probably the only girly thing I chose do about my appearance. Too bad I don't have nice hair and I'm not willing to spend hundreds on special shampoos and treatments and stuff.

My parents should stop complaining about how I'm so ungirly. :P College hadn't change me at all, unfortunately.

Hmm. I should try the side-parting again. Like like the old days. Ehehehe.

Yes, I'm bored. Unfortunately. :(

Don't know if I've ever been good enough

Wed, 21 May 2003 12:31:57 GMT

I'm getting a cold. *sniff* Been hanging around too many people with colds lately, and furthermore, my next door neighbour (the guy) had been sneezing and coughing for the past few days (yet he still feels well enough to get rowdy with his friends, grr!), thus exposing me with an infinite number of bacterium (viruses? what?). On top of that, eating unhealthy food for weeks and staying up for a few days straight locking myself in my room studying, and taking freezing cold showers at 3AM everyday (to keep myself awake, and to make the humidity of the May/June nighttime more tolerable) has taken its toll. I've been shivering and sniffling every morning before I set off to sit for my papers.

I hope I don't fall sick soon. *crosses fingers* But I only have Physics pratical tomorrow, and then followed by a ~~relaxing~~ 4-day break. No thinking to do for 4 glorious days! Just input, not output.

And I don't have to suffer the extreme cold of the examination halls.

It felt great hanging out with friends today. Again. Now I'm not sure whether my secondary school friends are closer to me, or my college friends are. I mean, it's a 5-years against 18-months thing, but for some reason I like hanging out with my college friends more? Time doesn't really make you know someone better after all, because I'm still as distant as ever from my secondary school friends. If you think I'm bad at college for not revealing anything about me, then you should've seen the invisible girl in secondary school. I literally fade into the background when I want to be as inconspicious as a puddle of water after the rain, and I had wanted to most of the time.

I don't like my secondary school crowd. Maybe they just weren't as crazy. But I don't get it. That's not what that makes friendships worth having.

I think it's because the concept of friendship was so shallow back then.

I talk as if I'm years away from secondary school when it's not even two years back.

Biology was good today. Me like. Maybe I'll even manage to get an A. I'll be so happy then. And Maths 1 was kind of funny. It's easier than I thought it would be, so I can't believe how I manage to screw up last year and found it so horrifyingly difficult. I was so stupid (I'm sure I'll think that I'm stupid a year from now or something like that). Gah. I could've gotten an A, and now I have to study for Statistics all over again and waste my last year's grades. Grr.

I'm finally learning - knowing - how to scribble everything at top speed. I finished one of the papers in half an hour and was bored like heck. Almost fell asleep. :\ And so far I've managed to finish all the papers in time except for Chemistry 4, which was really bad.

I can't believe how stupid I was last year. Augh.

I think these final examinations really scare you up so you study. :P So I'm basically calmer for my resit and stuff.

Running circles and circles around me

Wed, 21 May 2003 12:20:45 GMT

mooncrap came over yesterday night, around 9ish. It was a pretty crazy thing to do, but then again mooncrap's crazy. I think it's partly because I was feeling like crap and I was showing that I was feeling like crap, and God knows that I don't really show emotions much unless I can put them into long rambly paragraphs that make people take a second look and wonder if I've just been abducted by alien from Mars who gave me a full frontal lobotomy.

I'm not sure how to rate how good or how bad I'm feeling now, but spending some time out lunching with classmates in between Biology 3 and Chemistry 4 was pretty cool and I enjoyed myself.

Biology practical was easier than I expected, but I bet that I'm going to end up with a B again. It's always like that. Grr. Chemistry 1 and 4 was hell. I can't believe I'm saying this, but Chemistry is so much tougher than Physics. Why was I complaining about how horrible Physics is? At least it makes more sense than Chemistry. I hate learning about tiny little molecules that no one really knows how they look like other than random hypothesises. I don't exactly look at things and think of them in the terms of molecules and atoms.

I heard a couple of people saying it's easier than Physics though. :\ Maybe I'm just weird.

As for Biology and Physics, they are things that I can actually see happening in real life, and that makes it interesting, I guess. Other than the molecules part of Biology... but it's interesting to know the best way to mess up someone's systems with the wrong dosage of hormones. Muahahahaha.

I'll be going crazy if I have to study Chemistry more than what I'm doing now. I don't know how Li Leng does it.

Got a scar I can talk about

Sat, 17 May 2003 03:47:34 GMT

One trait I have never been able to master was to look at someone's eyes when I'm talking to them. I still can't. Despite the fact that I don't believe the eyes being the windows of the soul (and if they are, I think I have shutters installed nicely already), I still feel awfully vulnerable when I let someone else look straight at me.

Secrets are meant to be secrets and the past is meant to be buried under layers of memories.

I'm back in my room now, after spending the past almost three days (Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday) at Evelyn's. Goodbye homecooked food, hello MSG overdosage. :P It was amusing, since lately I've placed it in the context of MSG being another essential vitamin/mineral in my daily food intake. Considering that instant noodles is almost a food group by itself already, I'm not surprised.

The past couple of days had been fun. Evelyn's family, while probably a lot more sane than mine, had the gene of whackiness as well. But Evelyn being the most whacky there and I've sat next to her for the whole year and some, I guess I was more than prepared for anything. And I, being the evil person I am, was looking forward to encouraging her brother to torture his sister more. Ehehehehehe.

Oh, and for the first night, I exercised my vampiric tendancies. We stayed up talking until 5:07AM, which by then Evelyn had conked out and stopped replying to what I was saying. :P I was amused and took note of the time. I didn't fall asleep until it was close to 6 o'clock though.

What on Earth did we talk about that took so long anyway? Just basically crap. Anything and everything. And I revealed some stuff that I've never told anyone about and no one could've guessed. I mean, heck, if you're always bursting into laughter and joking along with all the jokers in the class, who would've thought you were depressed and that you still lapse into those episodes sometimes? Who would've suspected that you get these crying spells for no reason at all?

The only thing I have to thank it for is the direct skipping of preteenage. I can't remember having the age of adolescence at all. The years where you're happily giggling away with your fellow girlfriends talking about boys and clothes and getting nervous about crushes and all that. And I keep wondering if it's really possible to skip all that, pluck it out of my life and make it disappear, without any consequence in the future.

I guess I'll find out soon.

So many people, so many secrets. One and a half years, and I have no idea who my classmates really are and they have no idea who I really am.

Woke up at... 8ish? 9ish? Don't remember. Then you see two people walking around the house zombiefied, feeling awfully lethargic from the day before. *grins* Her parents and brother went off somewhere for seafood and would be out the whole day, so we went to McD's for lunch. Dinner was self-cooked, and a "disaster" in Evelyn's words. No, we didn't blow up the kitchen. We didn't get food poisoning either. It just didn't taste like it was supposed to. :P

And then she made me take vitamins because she was having the flu and she said I'd catch it if I don't take the vitamins. I tried to whine my way out of it. Didn't work. Darn. :(

She insisted on sleeping at 11PM that day. I guess she learnt her lesson? And it took more than one hour before I doze off. Sleeping early is difficult!

Next day was uneventful as well, mostly consisted of food and studying. And the moment Evelyn and her brother finished on lunch, they were already asking if the corn was done. O.o!!! I dragged them both away from the stove and went upstairs to check out the "dead" computer to see if it's fixable.

It wasn't dead after all. :P The error that was supposed to be there wasn't there. I did some changes and stuff, so it should be more than all right now... I hope. Ehe.

The two of them went printer-happy then. O.o And eventually Evelyn got stuck to the computer and refused to budge. I sense a computer addict in the making.

Don't blame me! I didn't do anything.

Dinner was cooked by her mother, and Evelyn jokingly said she was convinced that her mother is angry at her because we got plain pepper soup. After dinner, studied. Sorta. Slept at 1ish or 2ish, I can't quite remember. Woke up at 6AM (to go to college) and proceeded to launch a pillow at Evelyn. Her mother made us breakfast to bring to college, which was kind of surprising but really sweet. And then her mother dropped us off at Wee Kuan's place.

Ride to college wasn't all that interesting. Wee Kuan was stoned from medication (everyone's having flu!), so Li Leng drove instead.

Today was the last day of college, and it was a good day. But right now I'm headachy, which really sucks.

Everyone from all other classes was having sweet goodbyes and such. After all, one and a half years of being stuck together, I guess you have to learn how to love your classmates anyway. Our class? We were too busy yelling at each other about what to plan for the barbecue on the 12th. It was surprising the number of people who were volunteering to bring foodstuff despite them agreeing on it not being a potluck thing.

I guess it ended as one anyway. Oh, and we managed to extort watermelon from out Maths lecturer and cake (or something) from our ex-Thinking Skills lecturer. Are we evil?

Yes we are. Anyway.

Chemistry lab was a disaster today. I have no idea what kind of sludge got onto my bag, and I'm not sure I want to find out. It's brown. I just hope it washes off.

Matchbox 20 = good. :) And the song Unwell keeps on reminding me about I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb. And schizophrenia is such a sad thing.

A song for crazies. Ah, well.

I reread some of my pre-college journal entries, those really old ones. How depressing. I have no idea why I'm so bent on isolating myself back then, but I suppose it's because of the moods.

3 days to finals. Erk. :(

Babysitting job. No, not really.

Tue, 13 May 2003 08:34:43 GMT

I'm happy. I'm going to be staying over at my friend's tonight because she needed a breakfast/lunch/dinner partner tomorrow (and her mother needs a "babysitter" for her, heh). Which means... you know what it means. I get to get away from my current place! Teehee! And I have no classes tomorrow. Or the next day.

OMG. I love Malaysia.

Only for the holidays though. And the food's not bad.

*huggles everyone*

Yes. Happiness. *spreads the warm fuzzy feeling all around*

On the side note, since I made up my mind not to get irritated at things-that-don't-matter anymore (I have one more day left of college - that's Friday - can you believe that?!), my next door neighbour is starting to amuse me. More later. ;)