kerfuffle (kerfuffle) wrote,

Nobody gets too much heaven

Uh, I had meant to write, honest. But things happened. Like Blogathon. I managed to stay awake for the full 24 hours of blogging, from 9PM of the 26th till 9PM of the 27th. Yay. :D I posted 49 pictures at Fantasy Log, and we managed to raise $451 for Direct Relief. If I hadn't numbered my photos like I did with my Daily Grinds, I wouldn't be able to keep track either. Hehe.

I'm glad my layout was so well received because I wasn't at all sure it was good. I was so tempted to trash it 2 days before the event, but I really didn't have the inspiration or the time to make another one, and I did promise Daynah that I'd make one for the occasion. I still dislike it because it looks so unoriginal (even though it's not a spinoff from someone else's design, it just looks unprofessional), but oh well.

These days it's hard to concentrate when my head keeps pounding and pounding and squeezing the life out of my brain. It doesn't hurt as much as it distracts, and I can't gather up the facts long enough to make a coherent entry. The distraction hurts me. I can't get what I want to do done. Things were so different in college when I had a motive in each and every day. Now I feel as if I don't, and that I'm not going any closer to my goal.

It's probably because I feel lost, and it is my fault for not making any step towards my goal. Why is it that sometimes there are restrictions that keeps you waiting? Or perhaps I only imagined those restrictions.

I may go to KL sometime in the third week of August (10th-16th). I was planning on going on the 12th till the 14th and I've already talked to my parents about this (telling them that I have a place to stay there, of course, but I don't really know if I do or not yet!), but Joan was trying to convince me to go sometime during the weekend and stay the whole week. Like from the 8th till 14th. She even offered to let me stay at her home during that week.

Me: The whole week?! My parents will kill me!
Her: Who? My parents? No, they won't. They love you.
Me: No, my parents!
The only reason why they're letting me go there is because I have to get my 'A' Levels results. They tried to convince me to pick it up on the 15th when it's a Friday and they can send me down there themselves and pick me up to go back after I was done, but I told them I cannot wait that long! Argh. 24 hours can be a waiting hell.

On top of that, if they send me down, that means no time to spend with friends! :( I miss everyone there so much. It's so corny but KL (or Subang, whatever) motivated me so much more than anything in Terengganu. *sigh*

I can't wait till I get to go to university.

And I can't wait for August 14th. Every day I think about it, and I wish it closer. Three weeks is such a long wait! It may be my Death Day. It also may be the day where I will smile and celebrate. But whatever it is, it will give me a level to reach for my goals. At least something will be definite then. At least I know where to go by then, what choices to make. Now all I know is "if _______ happens, then I will _______; but if _______ happens, then I will _______".

All I'm doing now is reacting, and I hate that. I hate not being in control... so why is it that you feel less in control of your life as you grow up? Your education is in someone else's hands, then your job application is at someone else's hands, and then your income is at the mercy of your employer, and then your apartment and food depends on how much income you rake in... and the list goes on and on. And on top of that, you just don't have parents to fall back on anymore when you grow older.

I am not sleepy but I keep yawning... and I'll stop here because my head is killing me. Uh, what's the difference between a particularly bad headache and a migraine anyway? I haven't read any medical texts on it since everyone seems to assume just about everyone else knows what it is.

And I don't. Gah.
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