kerfuffle (kerfuffle) wrote,

Don\\\'t tell me I\\\'m not

So tired.

I'm sorry I hadn't been updating, but I guess other projects kind of took over my time some. Other than being distracted by one million and one other things. But I've been all right. Just all right, yes.

I've talked about some upcoming trips, but they never happened. I didn't go to Genting Highlands or KL, and neither did I go to Singapore. Some stuff came up last minute. I'm disappointed.

But apparently we are going to Genting Highlands and KL this Friday. To pick up the handphone and stuff. The handphone that is going to Brother #2. Mom supposedly promised him a handphone, but since I won one, this is going to him instead. :\ I wish I can get a digicam in replacement of the handphone Mom promised him... I won a handphone, and everyone's benefiting except for me. And heck, I even got major scolding for joining the competition in the first place.

I dunno. I'm just so tired and disappointed, I guess. But I'm also numb enough to hand the rights to the handphone to my brother. I guess something is wrong with me. Or maybe I'm just cynical about life.

Dad is seriously considering to cancel the broadband internet connection, and I still feel numb. *sigh* But I know I will chalk up more if I use dail-up, and he'll scream at me for it. Broadband makes everyone happier since he doesn't need to pay so much, and yet I get 24/7 connection that I don't complain about.

I started painting again the other night, but I never finished the painting. *sigh* Well, I was kind of demotivated by Brother #2 about it.

Him: Why are you painting that?
Me: Why not?
Him: Can't you just save the image and then use Adobe Photoshop to make it look like a painting?
Me: *stares* Do you even know why I'm painting?
Him: Just to put it online, right?
Yes, it hurt a lot to be misunderstood. I was painting because I loved painting. I wanted to paint. I took joy in putting colours to paper and making things. To have him put it in the terms where he thinks I'm doing it just for show, it cut deep.

I thought he would understand me because he was once a painter too, and he took pride in it. Now I'm starting to wonder why he painted.

And yes, I cried. I held it in for a while, but when he left, the tears just started rolling. I can't help it... I feel like such a weakling sometimes, but I can't stand being misunderstood. It brings back too many memories of being alone against the world.

Memories I would rather just forget.

And now I'm so demotivated to paint, I just can't bring myself to finish that simple little painting. All because of a few measly words.

When on Earth am I going to start believing in myself and stop letting words of others affect me?

I got Tiffany's snail mail to me today (completely unexpected and much surprised), and it contained a gorgeous birthday card, in addition to lots more postcards. Heh. Yes, my birthday is almost one month ago. But still. ^_^ Okay, this is a really sad revelation, but this is the only birthday present I got this year (Mom did ask me if I want a plushie from the gift shop, but I didn't opt any...).

Well, other than the wonderful international birthday message compiled the Lele, which I'll treasure for a long, long time (I'm not saying "forever" lest my hard disk decides to kill itself just to prove me wrong).

I'm going to start a postcard collage on my bedroom wall as soon as I neaten up the room and throw away all the old broken things that I don't need anymore. ^_^ Anyone want to contribute to the postcard collage? Heh.

Lately with all of the weird news in Malaysia (rape and kidnap cases are what that triggers the worrying, I suppose), parents are getting increasingly paranoid with their kids. Oh yes, older brothers are increasingly paranoid too.

No one would let me get into elevators alone. And these are the same people who used to let me roam free alone in the big city.

R&B songs can get on my nerves so bad.
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