kerfuffle (kerfuffle) wrote,

Up on one side, down the other

Lately I've had my ego boosted somewhat. I finally have faith in my writings again. And I sort of have faith in my arts again. I might actually *gasp* pick up the brush and start painting! Or *gasp* make a new layout!

I haven't talked a lot about either because I don't want to depress anyone with how I'm feeling about those two so-called "talents" of mine. To make a long story short, I've been feeling very untalented on both arenas, thinking that isuckisuckisuckisuckisuck so much that my esteem (whatever's left of it after severe beatings) took a nose-dive.

*sigh* I hope I can maintain this kind of optimism and hope for some time before my insecurities act up again. That's probably the only bad thing about knowing so many talented and capable people - they make you feel little and insignificant. It shouldn't matter, but meh, it does! :(

I looked through my paintings again, and nostalgia came over me. I think I want to paint again. Even though yes, I'm scared. I'm scared that I've lost everything I've tried to gain for so long. It took years of consistency to improve on skills, and just moments to lose them.

I guess I'll find out soon. As soon as I cleared up enough space in my room to paint, that is.

Friendshipwise, things have been a little on the screwy side. There is actually zero development in the Ee Lynn/me story, but lots of development in the Ee Lynn/Joan story. And now Ee Lynn is boycotting the almost-yearly clique gathering at the end of the year, making self-pitying remarks while she was doing it.

I don't know, I just don't have any more sympathy for her. I can't even summon up any just for appearance's sake. She overplayed the strings on the guitar, and now they're broken and tired and can no longer be played anymore.

But I did some thinking today and I'm irked now. I just realised a very disturbing pattern that could link this issue to that issue back when we were twelve years old.

This is exactly what she did to me when we were twelve, dammit. >_< She turned everyone against me when we had a fight. She's the reason why depression started for me - the straw that broke the camel's back, rather - and I'm still bitter because she never changed from that manipulative twelve-year-old girl I used to call a friend.

Forgiveness is hard to find in my heart when I think of it that way.

But at least now the others are smart enough to investigate before they believe everything she says.

Note to Self #1: Mom is a really good person to talk to if I ever have relationship problems.
Note to Self #2: As modern as I think Dad may be, he is also really against cohabiting.
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