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kerfuffle's Journal

2nd August, 2003. 10:20 pm. If it makes you happy, it can\\\'t be that bad

Twelve days. Oh my God. I'm so spazzing out now. Twelve days!!!

I can do this. *takes a deep breath* Oh, and I almost asked Mom to get the bus tickets for me to go to KL. But first, I need to know when to go, and I need to know where I will stay. All that kind of stuff.

I don't think it hurts to be prepared now that I don't have to my own place to stay while I'm in KL anymore. And no cash to spend on luxuries such as hotels.

But on a happier note, I seem to have at least one place to stay at at the end of the year. :D So maybe I can stick around in KL for some time then? Who knows.

---

Take care of family. Make them happy.
For some reason, that simple message just sounds so heartbreakingly sad.

Make Notes

30th July, 2003. 11:58 pm. Now I know why you always wanted these memories captured

I'm sick again. The few hours of relief didn't last. I never seem to be quite okay these days. My head must be telling me something but it's not being very clear about it. I need a freakin' translator now. The pain isn't making thinking an easy job.

*sigh* Well, hmm.

For the first time in my life, I looked back on the old, old photos and attempted to identify myself in each of them. I never enjoyed looking back at the old me because it reminds me of all that I've lost. All that happiness bubbling inside me, the confidence and innocence of childhood. And looking back, I can still almost remember my exact feeling when each snapshot was taken and carefully saved into the albums by Mom. What happened to that girl in the pictures? How did I end up so different from the old me?

The see-through plastic that held the photos together are now yellow and crackly, practically breaking apart at each touch. But the photos are still there.

And still clear.

Maybe there is a small, slim chance that I can go back to what I used to be... if I try hard enough. In some ways, I've already started a year ago. Now all I need to do is stay on, keep throwing away the parts of me that I don't like, that shouldn't have been a part of me. I just hope I have that kind of endurance and faith in myself. I need it now.

Make Notes

29th July, 2003. 11:58 pm. When reality and fantasy merged

The headache ended up as a fever. And it lasted for more than 12 hours, where in each and every moment I feel totally and completely miserable. *sigh* I didn't dare to tell my parents that I had a fever because they'd freak and drag me to the doctor's. They are convinced that fever is my "weak spot" when it comes to health. Meh.

While sick and drifting in and out of sleep, I had some pretty screwed up dreams too, one part of it where I died and yet I (my conscience/soul/spirit/whatever) was still trapped in my room and I could see all the things that was happening in my house. Weird because I don't even believe in souls and spirits or earthbound ghosts. Another part of it was about me obsessing over a guy. Um... right.

The rest of the day went by pretty slowly. Brother #2 went back to India today. :\ Goodbye Brother #2, goodbye phone! *sob*

On other news, I need to spend some time cleaning up my room soon. Dad has been nagging me about it everyday. And besides, I need to find something that I "lost". Gah. :(

Read 4 Notes -Make Notes

28th July, 2003. 11:16 pm. Nobody gets too much heaven

Uh, I had meant to write, honest. But things happened. Like Blogathon. I managed to stay awake for the full 24 hours of blogging, from 9PM of the 26th till 9PM of the 27th. Yay. :D I posted 49 pictures at Fantasy Log, and we managed to raise $451 for Direct Relief. If I hadn't numbered my photos like I did with my Daily Grinds, I wouldn't be able to keep track either. Hehe.

I'm glad my layout was so well received because I wasn't at all sure it was good. I was so tempted to trash it 2 days before the event, but I really didn't have the inspiration or the time to make another one, and I did promise Daynah that I'd make one for the occasion. I still dislike it because it looks so unoriginal (even though it's not a spinoff from someone else's design, it just looks unprofessional), but oh well.

These days it's hard to concentrate when my head keeps pounding and pounding and squeezing the life out of my brain. It doesn't hurt as much as it distracts, and I can't gather up the facts long enough to make a coherent entry. The distraction hurts me. I can't get what I want to do done. Things were so different in college when I had a motive in each and every day. Now I feel as if I don't, and that I'm not going any closer to my goal.

It's probably because I feel lost, and it is my fault for not making any step towards my goal. Why is it that sometimes there are restrictions that keeps you waiting? Or perhaps I only imagined those restrictions.

I may go to KL sometime in the third week of August (10th-16th). I was planning on going on the 12th till the 14th and I've already talked to my parents about this (telling them that I have a place to stay there, of course, but I don't really know if I do or not yet!), but Joan was trying to convince me to go sometime during the weekend and stay the whole week. Like from the 8th till 14th. She even offered to let me stay at her home during that week.

Me: The whole week?! My parents will kill me!
Her: Who? My parents? No, they won't. They love you.
Me: No, my parents!
The only reason why they're letting me go there is because I have to get my 'A' Levels results. They tried to convince me to pick it up on the 15th when it's a Friday and they can send me down there themselves and pick me up to go back after I was done, but I told them I cannot wait that long! Argh. 24 hours can be a waiting hell.

On top of that, if they send me down, that means no time to spend with friends! :( I miss everyone there so much. It's so corny but KL (or Subang, whatever) motivated me so much more than anything in Terengganu. *sigh*

I can't wait till I get to go to university.

And I can't wait for August 14th. Every day I think about it, and I wish it closer. Three weeks is such a long wait! It may be my Death Day. It also may be the day where I will smile and celebrate. But whatever it is, it will give me a level to reach for my goals. At least something will be definite then. At least I know where to go by then, what choices to make. Now all I know is "if _______ happens, then I will _______; but if _______ happens, then I will _______".

All I'm doing now is reacting, and I hate that. I hate not being in control... so why is it that you feel less in control of your life as you grow up? Your education is in someone else's hands, then your job application is at someone else's hands, and then your income is at the mercy of your employer, and then your apartment and food depends on how much income you rake in... and the list goes on and on. And on top of that, you just don't have parents to fall back on anymore when you grow older.

I am not sleepy but I keep yawning... and I'll stop here because my head is killing me. Uh, what's the difference between a particularly bad headache and a migraine anyway? I haven't read any medical texts on it since everyone seems to assume just about everyone else knows what it is.

And I don't. Gah.

Make Notes

23rd July, 2003. 11:58 pm. Don\\\'t tell me I\\\'m not

So tired.

I'm sorry I hadn't been updating, but I guess other projects kind of took over my time some. Other than being distracted by one million and one other things. But I've been all right. Just all right, yes.

I've talked about some upcoming trips, but they never happened. I didn't go to Genting Highlands or KL, and neither did I go to Singapore. Some stuff came up last minute. I'm disappointed.

But apparently we are going to Genting Highlands and KL this Friday. To pick up the handphone and stuff. The handphone that is going to Brother #2. Mom supposedly promised him a handphone, but since I won one, this is going to him instead. :\ I wish I can get a digicam in replacement of the handphone Mom promised him... I won a handphone, and everyone's benefiting except for me. And heck, I even got major scolding for joining the competition in the first place.

I dunno. I'm just so tired and disappointed, I guess. But I'm also numb enough to hand the rights to the handphone to my brother. I guess something is wrong with me. Or maybe I'm just cynical about life.

Dad is seriously considering to cancel the broadband internet connection, and I still feel numb. *sigh* But I know I will chalk up more if I use dail-up, and he'll scream at me for it. Broadband makes everyone happier since he doesn't need to pay so much, and yet I get 24/7 connection that I don't complain about.

I started painting again the other night, but I never finished the painting. *sigh* Well, I was kind of demotivated by Brother #2 about it.

Him: Why are you painting that?
Me: Why not?
Him: Can't you just save the image and then use Adobe Photoshop to make it look like a painting?
Me: *stares* Do you even know why I'm painting?
Him: Just to put it online, right?
Yes, it hurt a lot to be misunderstood. I was painting because I loved painting. I wanted to paint. I took joy in putting colours to paper and making things. To have him put it in the terms where he thinks I'm doing it just for show, it cut deep.

I thought he would understand me because he was once a painter too, and he took pride in it. Now I'm starting to wonder why he painted.

And yes, I cried. I held it in for a while, but when he left, the tears just started rolling. I can't help it... I feel like such a weakling sometimes, but I can't stand being misunderstood. It brings back too many memories of being alone against the world.

Memories I would rather just forget.

And now I'm so demotivated to paint, I just can't bring myself to finish that simple little painting. All because of a few measly words.

When on Earth am I going to start believing in myself and stop letting words of others affect me?

I got Tiffany's snail mail to me today (completely unexpected and much surprised), and it contained a gorgeous birthday card, in addition to lots more postcards. Heh. Yes, my birthday is almost one month ago. But still. ^_^ Okay, this is a really sad revelation, but this is the only birthday present I got this year (Mom did ask me if I want a plushie from the gift shop, but I didn't opt any...).

Well, other than the wonderful international birthday message compiled the Lele, which I'll treasure for a long, long time (I'm not saying "forever" lest my hard disk decides to kill itself just to prove me wrong).

I'm going to start a postcard collage on my bedroom wall as soon as I neaten up the room and throw away all the old broken things that I don't need anymore. ^_^ Anyone want to contribute to the postcard collage? Heh.

Lately with all of the weird news in Malaysia (rape and kidnap cases are what that triggers the worrying, I suppose), parents are getting increasingly paranoid with their kids. Oh yes, older brothers are increasingly paranoid too.

No one would let me get into elevators alone. And these are the same people who used to let me roam free alone in the big city.

R&B songs can get on my nerves so bad.

Read 4 Notes -Make Notes

18th July, 2003. 11:24 pm. Did you ever think I needed you here with me?

Sometimes when you're mourning over a lost friendship, there is a great possibility that the other person is doing the same.

And sometimes you just have to be the one to take the first step to say, "Hi."

---

There is completely no reason for my family to go to Kuantan anymore. The gift shop is dead. Closed. Gone. All because the stupid administration of the mall decided that they wanted Ocean Pacific at the spot our shop was located at.

I feel sad. :\ After all, it is one of my and Brother #1's brainchild. I remember how fun it was when we planned it all out. I was... what, 15 years old?

I guess we didn't plan the ending and now I feel all numb.

Today's dinner was so cute. Mom relived her younger days... more specifically how Dad started courting her. Hehe. Unlike most people, I never actually knew much about my parents' lovelife before they got married. I never asked because I feel that it is personal.

Mom was a dancing queen! Literally, hehe, and I quote from Abba's hit, "dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen". And she was seventeen then, and it was when she was dancing at a party that Dad decided to court her. I find it all too coincidental not to make that comparison. ;)

They'll be celebrating their 25th (that's Silver, right?) wedding anniversary in November this year. ^_^ Mom didn't even realise she had been married for so long until I mentioned it.

Hehe. Maybe I should give Dad a little nudge... >:)

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17th July, 2003. 11:02 pm. Up on one side, down the other

Lately I've had my ego boosted somewhat. I finally have faith in my writings again. And I sort of have faith in my arts again. I might actually *gasp* pick up the brush and start painting! Or *gasp* make a new layout!

I haven't talked a lot about either because I don't want to depress anyone with how I'm feeling about those two so-called "talents" of mine. To make a long story short, I've been feeling very untalented on both arenas, thinking that isuckisuckisuckisuckisuck so much that my esteem (whatever's left of it after severe beatings) took a nose-dive.

*sigh* I hope I can maintain this kind of optimism and hope for some time before my insecurities act up again. That's probably the only bad thing about knowing so many talented and capable people - they make you feel little and insignificant. It shouldn't matter, but meh, it does! :(

I looked through my paintings again, and nostalgia came over me. I think I want to paint again. Even though yes, I'm scared. I'm scared that I've lost everything I've tried to gain for so long. It took years of consistency to improve on skills, and just moments to lose them.

I guess I'll find out soon. As soon as I cleared up enough space in my room to paint, that is.

Friendshipwise, things have been a little on the screwy side. There is actually zero development in the Ee Lynn/me story, but lots of development in the Ee Lynn/Joan story. And now Ee Lynn is boycotting the almost-yearly clique gathering at the end of the year, making self-pitying remarks while she was doing it.

I don't know, I just don't have any more sympathy for her. I can't even summon up any just for appearance's sake. She overplayed the strings on the guitar, and now they're broken and tired and can no longer be played anymore.

But I did some thinking today and I'm irked now. I just realised a very disturbing pattern that could link this issue to that issue back when we were twelve years old.

This is exactly what she did to me when we were twelve, dammit. >_< She turned everyone against me when we had a fight. She's the reason why depression started for me - the straw that broke the camel's back, rather - and I'm still bitter because she never changed from that manipulative twelve-year-old girl I used to call a friend.

Forgiveness is hard to find in my heart when I think of it that way.

But at least now the others are smart enough to investigate before they believe everything she says.

Note to Self #1: Mom is a really good person to talk to if I ever have relationship problems.
Note to Self #2: As modern as I think Dad may be, he is also really against cohabiting.

Make Notes

16th July, 2003. 11:11 pm. Getting talented at this

Tired. Didn't even have dinner. I was too sleepy to have any "dinner"...

I lost one of my silver star earstuds today, the ones that came with the piercings (or the ones that the piercings came with... whichever way). I woke up and found the one on the right ear gone. *sigh* I panicked, took the one off my left ear and tried to stab a whole through my right ear again. It hurrrrrt.

One thing I hate about newly-pierced ears are the tendency for the holes to close up again at minimum time. -_-

Went to Kuantan, got some really cheap earstuds, and replaced my old ones. :\

I woke up today morning feeling like I've been steamrolled over. All of my limbs hurt like hell, and my muscles felt like they've turned to Jell-O. Only that Jell-O doesn't hurt as much. And once again my head hurt, just like yesterday morning. I keep waking up in the mornings with headaches. *sigh* I guess that's part of the reason why I purposely fuck up my sleeping routine... I never get headaches when I reverse my sleeping habits and become vampiric. Why? Is it a psychological thing?

More work. Less work compared to yesterday, yes, but still very tiring. Dismembered a lot of furnitures, carried a lot of glass panes, toted the power drill some more. I think I freaked out some of the other girls there with the ease I do such "rough" work... they think it looks cool, they try it out, have trouble with it, and I demonstrated it for them. And they still don't know how I do it.

I guess it's just because I grew up in a household full of guys and a family that try hard to save up cash in every way possible (and now our tertiary education is eating up the saved funds pretty fast) that we assembled or make our own furniture. We also became our own plumber, electrician, technician, etc.

Anyway, I didn't realise that it was that difficult to remove a frickin' carpet that's glued to the floor. Now all I want to do is sleep.

Oops. I just lost another earstud.

Argh!!!

Make Notes

14th July, 2003. 11:20 pm. I didn\\\'t know fainting could be like that

Hrms. In comparison to what I was when I just came back from college to now, I've lost 1kg. Weird. I thought I would gain from all the good ol' homecooked food, but at the rate things are going, that's unlikely. Brother #2 apparently ate my share of lunch today because I was a little late at getting to it. :(

So mainly I've been living off a liquid-only diet for breakfast and lunch. Usually a mug of cocoa in the morning, and perhaps another in the afternoon. Or Coke. And lately I've been skipping dinner a lot because I'm too tired by the time dinnertime rolls around to do anything other than shutting down my brain.

Bleah. Remind me that drinking Coke on an empty stomach is a bad, bad, bad idea. :(

And guess what? I'm drinking Diet Coke. Ick. I swore that I'd never touch these things ever again, but I don't have much of a choice when everything in my house is now "Diet". If you didn't know yet, my family (more precisely Dad, but you know, these stuff is hereditory) has a history of diabetes, so that's an attempt to lower the overall blood sugar level. It's also so that Dad doesn't get it into his mind to buy any other carbonated drinks... he has a sweet tooth.

I hate Diet Coke. Ughy. Now I can't get rid of the aftertaste already.

While you're reminding me about not to drink Diet Coke ever again, you might as well remind me never to slam my thumb between two very hard, very solid objects because it hurts like hell! I was helping out in the kitchen when I accidentally did that... the thumb didn't really hurt very much and it wasn't the worst injury I've ever gotten, but moments later my vision started having white spots that grew bigger and bigger, even as the pain in my thumb subsided.

Soon things were fading in and out, in and out. I sat down and stoned. Pressure built up in the ears and shut out the voices of Brother #2 and Mom.

"I feel like my pupils are dilating and everything is turning white," I found myself saying, sounding terribly far away for someone who is supposed to be... well, you know, me.

"Wow. That fast?" Brother #2 said, his voice about a million miles away too.

I was so angry then. I was panicking about losing my sight entirely, and going partially deaf, and there he was cracking jokes like it was nothing big. The white spots were obscuring almost everything by now. Worse than that, they were throbbing... swelling and shrinking, swelling and shrinking, and yet perpertually blanking out a large percentage of my vision. I felt like a whole tube of living radioactive liquid paper/blanko just got spilt into my world.

When dinner was served and everyone sat down, I stood up and excused myself.

"Aren't you eating?" Dad asked. I had skipped dinner a lot lately, and I guess he was wondering what's wrong with me.

"She's going to faint," Mom and Brother #2 said in unison.

In all the whiteness I managed to find my way back to the staircase, crawled my way up on all fours because I was so afraid of falling down and hurting myself due to my partially temporary blindness. I got into my room and plopped down on the bed. Closed my eyes until I felt the pressure in my ears ebbing.

When I opened my eyes again, the whiteness was fading away.

Fifteen minutes later, I went to the dinner table and had my dinner. During when Brother #2 told me that he is kidnapping me to Kuantan tomorrow to help him move the stuff out of the gift shop there... in case you don't know yet, we're shutting down that place. The bitch of a landlord wants it back. *sigh* So now we have to move everything back, repaint that place, and all that.

On another note, lots of trips coming up! Hehe. I'm going to Genting Highlands and KL this Friday, and probably heading to Singapore on either Tuesday or Wednesday next week. ^_^ I can't wait! I'll be travelling and seeing new sights and stuff like that. And that means I might just be able to do my 26 Things photolog. Heh. :)

Yes, I am tired of being cooped up in the house. Partially my fault too since I never want to go out of the house, but I have the tendency to do that when I'm in Kemaman. The town just suffocates me. :(

I wish I'm back in college.

Read 2 Notes -Make Notes

12th July, 2003. 4:31 pm. My sister is a cat

I spent a lot of time working on a project and hacking a PHP script (without manuals), and I'm thoroughly happy with the result. Considering that I don't know the first thing about PHP, it was a great achievement.

I'm whacked. I may update you on that "project" later, when I launch it. Someday. Soon, I hope.

Mi hermana es una gata.

There you go. The Spanish lesson for today, brought to you by Brother #3 (he's been trying to put the proper words in place for the past few days, though he kept thinking it was "mis hermana es gato"). He thinks I act like a cat, yawn like a cat, stretch like a cat, and scratch like a cat.

Go figure.

It'll Only Happen Here #2: At 4:00pm, my father asked me, "Aren't you going to sleep?"

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